I am feeling a bit better since the last time I wrote.
You know, I haven’t been posting much in the last couple of years, and I don’t write much in a paper journal anymore either. I don’t know why.
Anyway. This time off has been so relaxing. I do things during the day, but I do spend a bit of time just hanging out at home and being calm. Which is nice, compared to a few weeks ago. And I am doing my best to not think of work at all. For the most part, I’ve succeeded, but here and there I haven’t. Yesterday, I got a text from a friend at work and that got me thinking about my job. The wife talked me off that ledge, though, so I wouldn’t get upset. She’s good at that. Sometimes I think about the fact that one person who I thought was my friend hasn’t called or texted me once since I’ve been out of work, and that really bothers me. It hurts. I thought she was my friend, I thought she cared about me, but it doesn’t seem so. She went around asking other people if they knew why I was out of work, instead of asking me herself.
I’m trying not to think too much about that, either.
I had a job interview this past Monday. It went okay, I think. Don’t know for sure when I’ll hear back from them. They said they had more interviews to do this week and they’d get back to me soon. We’ll see. It seemed like a good place; the people who interviewed me were nice and the office was quiet. Such a difference from where I currently work, which is more like a house party filled with assholes.
Tomorrow the wife and I are headed downtown the for American Heart Association’s annual Heart Walk. They’re also doing a 5K run, but…um, no. I am not in shape for that, and I don’t think the wife is, either. We’ve not been going to gym like we should lately…I have been lazy. But yeah, tomorrow is the Heart Walk and we donated some money to the AHA. They have something special for Survivors, and I have encouraged my wife to take part in that, but she seemed reluctant. I get the feeling part of her wants to pretend it didn’t happen, because she survived. Which I get. Hell, I don’t like thinking about it myself, but I know that’s not the best way to deal with it. Neither of us is very good at dealing with things, though. We just pretend like they didn’t happen and try to move forward.
But you can’t. Not when bad stuff happens. You have to deal with it, or somehow it keeps popping up in your life until you do deal with it–and when I say “deal with it,” I mean deal with the emotions. That’s the hardest thing for me. I don’t like dealing with those kinds of feelings. They’re messy and horrible. Yet they won’t get better if I don’t. I know this. But it doesn’t make it any easier for me. Like I still have a hard time dealing with my grandparents’ deaths. And my Mom’s health issues. I don’t like thinking about those things, because every time I do, I cry. And I don’t like to cry. I don’t like despair and pain and heartache. So I just try to push it out of my mind. But then something comes along and reminds me that my grandparents are gone, and I miss them terribly. And that my Mom had to move from the condo (where she’d lived for over 20 years, the first home she ever owned) to a new place, because she will never walk again. And I am not there to help her. And I miss her so very much and feel like a horrible daughter because I am not there to help her. What will I do when she is gone? How will I feel, because I wasn’t there for her?
See why I don’t like thinking about it?
Great. Now I’ve got myself upset and crying. Just what I wanted to avoid.
And lately I’ve been wanting to smoke. A lot.